Category: Rock, Paper, Shotgun

I think we all want it to be true that the Monster Hunter Wilds’ infamously limp PC performance can be blamed upon, as was reported yesterday, an overzealous DLC checking process gumming up what might overwise be a perfectly fine-running beastfight game. Partly because it just sounds funny. Willing but frustrated graphics elves running about, harangued to distraction by a hairstyle add-on overseer nagging for licenses, like a Daily Telegraph reader demanding to know why you aren’t wearing a poppy on November 3rd.

The best part? All evidence suggests it genuinely is true – albeit only to varying degrees, and in the case of my own testing, nowhere near as drastically as in the originally discovered case.

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Abandon your plans to run for public office. If you don’t, you’ll not be eligible to apply to be a contestant on the Fallout Shelter reality TV series Amazon are now working on, following the success of their other Fallout show. Stop protesting, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to be locked in a set resembling a vault and subsequently have your mind messed with as you and your fellow inmates take on a bunch of challenges.

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Alas and alack for Lickity Split, knight hero of The Fortress, prisoner of a villainous Sorceror King. ‘Twas I who named him (I wanted a pun on “Lich” and I’m fairly sure we’ve done “Lich My Balls” several times before) and ‘twas I who led him to his death a whole six rooms away from his cell… and ‘twas I who then resurrected him as a wizard and got him killed again, a mere five minutes later.

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You can’t take a step on Steam this week without stumbling over a body. Step forward and you’ll trip over a cold-to-the-touch mobster with a knife in their back. Step to the left and, oh God, it’s a wizened academic clutching a poisoned apple in their rigor mortis grip. But one step to the right and you’ll find the decapitated head of a curmudgeonly mayor who had recently made enemies of everyone in their small town. Yes, it’s Steam Detective Fest and murder is in the air.

Until January 19th, hundreds of developers are offering discounts and demos of their murder mysteries. With so many bodies piling up, it is hard to know where to start your investigations. So, to test the mettle of these murder makers, I set them a challenge.

How would they kill Humpty Dumpty and get away with it?

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I only have to skate a few meters before the piercing drum of rifle fire fills my ears. Armed with my trusty can of spray paint, I cover the hostile soldiers in splotches of bright colour while rollerblading circles around them. They stumble about, trying to keep me in their sights. Stopping to complete an unfinished bit of graffiti on one of the walls, spreading colour between gaps in a template, the soldiers gather around me. Unable to target me, they mill about in the way as I try to finish, making it a touch more difficult to work out if I’ve left any blank spaces.

I’m playing an early version of Palestine Skating Game, which offers a test of its Jet Set Radio and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater-inspired rollerblading and painting amid a stylised rendition of war-torn Gaza.

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“Last year was a hard year for the studio,” Elder Scrolls Online’s executive producer Susan Kath says. “It was a hard year for all of us.” In 2025, as part of sweeping cuts made across all their businesses, Microsoft laid off a significant chunk of Zenimax Online Studios. They did this despite CEO Satya Nadella later calling the year one of “record performance”, with revenue up 15% and hitting $281.7 billion.

So, last week, when Zenimax Online Studios revealed it was moving from releasing major expansions every 12 – 18 months to smaller, more frequent updates every three months, it looked very much like the team could no longer manage those big releases.

Kath tells me that reading of events is wrong.

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A group of modders who got multiplayer servers running for Rockstar’s schoolyard mischief simulator Bully late last year have suddenly pulled all traces of their creation offline. The project’s been shutdown about a month after release, and thus far its creators haven’t offered an explanation as to why, beyond emphasising that this outcome wasn’t what they hoped would happen.

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There are two blue wolves inside you. One is actually a hedgehog, prone to loop-the-loops and drowning in caves. The other one is actually a dolphin, who is also prone to loop-the-loops and drowning in caves. Clarification: when I said you I meant me. I’m referring to my own squalid psychological architecture as a Sega Mega Drive player with vivid memories of Sonic the Hedgehog (especially the Star Light Zone) and Ecco the Dolphin.

While Sega’s pugnacious pinball mascot continues to star in videogames of all flavours, poor Ecco has been absent from screens since the early noughties. No longer: this year shall be the year of Ecco. Developers A&R Atelier – whose members include the character’s original creator, Ed Annunziata – have declared that they are working on “several” new Ecco things, including a videogame. No, I won’t accommodate any criticism of my framing here. If we can have a year of Luigi and a year of Shadow, we can have a year of Ecco.

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We’ll heave him up an away we’ll go. ‘Way, me Assassin’s Creeda! We’ll heave him up an away we’ll go. We’re all bound over to Ubisoft’s official music YouTube channel! We’ll heave him up from down below. ‘Way, me Assassin’s Creeda! Oh, this is where a bunch of the original Black Flag‘s sea shanties have just been reuploaded, potentially providing yet another hint that we’re all soon bound to be playing that long-rumoured remake of the pirassassin adventure!

This sudden influx of classic ditties might not have meant much in a vacuum, but it follows many reports about the badly kept secret that is the remake and a PEGI rating that’s about as close as you can get to a seal of approval short of Ubisoft finally giving up the ghost anmd revealing the thing themselves.

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It’s kind of baffling how Mirror’s Edge came out almost two full decades ago, and there’s hardly a whisper of a game that’s managed to match its art direction. The thing is just too clean, too specific, there’s a purpose to every detail. It feels like the future distilled into digital form, though no one really followed suit in the years since, opting for drab, lifeless realism instead. Except, as it turns out, that’s almost what Mirror’s Edge looked like too.

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